Things to talk about with elderly parents and grandparents

By James editorial team, Golan Europe S.L. · Published 1 November 2026 · 8 min read

The best topics are the ones only they can tell you about: their childhood, first jobs, how they met, the homes they lived in, the food and songs they grew up with. Ask open, specific questions, then listen far more than you talk. Use photos or music to spark memories. If memory or hearing is a problem, ask simpler questions and give more time.

Why the old stories are worth asking for

Many calls with an older parent shrink to the same three questions. "How are you? Have you eaten? What's the weather like?" They are kind questions. But they do not leave much room for the person to be more than someone who is cared for.

Asking about their life does something different. It treats them as the expert. They know things nobody else alive knows: what their street sounded like, what their mother sang, why the family left the old town.

There is research behind this too. Reminiscence, which means talking about past experiences, often with photos or music as prompts, has been studied in people with dementia. A large Cochrane review found small benefits in some areas, like mood and communication, and found no harmful effects^[1]. You do not need a programme to do it. A good question and a cup of tea will do.

Questions about childhood and growing up

Start here. Early memories are often the clearest, and most people enjoy them.

• What was the house you grew up in like? Which room do you remember best?
• What did your street smell and sound like?
• Who was your best friend when you were small? What did you get up to?
• What games did you play outside?
• What were your parents like? What did they do for work?
• What was a normal Sunday like in your family?
• Did you have a pet? What was it called?
• What were you scared of as a child?
• What did you get for a birthday or Christmas that you still remember?

Questions about school, work and first jobs

• What was your school like? Who was your favourite teacher, and why?
• What did you want to be when you grew up?
• What was your first job? How much did you earn, and what did you spend it on?
• What did a working day look like back then?
• Which job did you like most? Which one did you hate?
• Who taught you the most at work?
• Is there a skill you had that people don't have now?

Questions about love, family and friends

• How did you meet Mum, or Dad? What did you think of them at first?
• What was your wedding day like? What went wrong?
• What was I like as a baby? What did I do that drove you mad?
• Who in the family were you closest to growing up?
• Which friend have you known the longest?
• What is the best advice your own parents gave you?
• What do you wish you had known when you were my age?

Some of these can touch sore spots, like a divorce or a death. Go gently. If they change the subject, let them.

Questions about places, food and the world

• Where have you lived? Which place felt most like home?
• What is the furthest you have ever travelled?
• What did you cook most often when we were young? Can you tell me how?
• Which dish from your childhood would you love to taste again?
• What songs were playing when you were a teenager? Where did you go dancing?
• Which big news story do you remember hearing about, and where were you?
• What has changed most in your lifetime? What do you miss?
• What is better now than when you were young?

Food and music work well because they bring back feelings, not just facts. Play a song from their teens and ask, "Where were you when this came out?" Cook one of their recipes together and let them be in charge.

How to ask so the stories come out

A list of questions is only a start. The way you ask matters as much as what you ask.

• Be specific. "Tell me about your first day at the factory" works better than "What was work like?"
• Use a prompt. Old photos, a school report, a map, a song or a smell can unlock a memory faster than any question.
• Ask one thing at a time. Then wait. Silence is often thinking, not the end of the answer.
• Follow the thread. "What happened next?" and "How did that feel?" keep a story going.
• Do things side by side. Sorting a drawer, gardening or a car ride often bring easier talk than sitting face to face.
• Talk to them as an adult. Avoid a sing-song voice or calling them "sweetie". In one care home study, people with dementia resisted care about twice as often when staff used this kind of "elderspeak"^[2].

Listening well is the other half. Put your phone face down. Don't correct small details, like the year. Repeat back what you heard: "So you were only fifteen when you left school?" That shows you are paying attention, and often brings out more.

Saving the stories before they are lost

Many families wish they had written things down sooner. You can start today with very little:

• A notebook. Jot down names, places and dates after each talk.
• Voice memos. Most phones can record. Always ask first: "Do you mind if I record this so the grandchildren can hear it?"
• Photo captions. Sit with an album and write who, where and when on the back, or in a note beside each photo.
• One story a week. Choose a theme each week, like "first jobs" or "holidays", so it never feels like an interview.

Grandchildren are often great at this. A school project on "a grandparent's life" gives a natural reason to ask. If they live far apart, a video call can work just as well. See our ideas for how to keep in touch with grandparents who live far away.

If they have hearing loss

A good question is no use if it is not heard. Hearing loss is common as people get older. Signs include asking people to repeat themselves, finding it hard to keep up with a chat, and struggling on the phone^[3].

Small changes help:

• Sit face to face, in good light, so they can see your lips.
• Turn off the TV or radio first.
• Speak clearly, not loudly.
• If something is missed, repeat it once, then say it a different way.
• For long stories, a quiet room beats a busy café.

If hearing seems to be getting worse, the NHS advises seeing a GP^[3]. Our guide on how to talk to someone with hearing loss goes into more detail.

If they have memory problems

Talking about the past can still bring joy when memory is failing. But some questions work better than others.

One study looked at how spouses asked questions of a partner with Alzheimer's disease. Yes-or-no questions worked better than open ones. Questions about well-known facts also worked better than questions that asked them to recall a specific event, like "What did you do this morning?"^[4].

So adapt your questions:

• Swap "What did you have for lunch?" for "Did you enjoy your lunch?"
• Swap "Do you remember our holiday in Cornwall?" for "Cornwall was so beautiful. You loved the beach there."
• Ask about long-known facts: "What was your mum's name?" or "What did you do at the bakery?"
• Offer simple choices: "Was it a big wedding or a small one?"

The NHS also suggests speaking in short sentences, giving time to answer, and acknowledging what they say even if it seems off topic^[5]. Do not test them. "Don't you remember?" can feel like failing an exam. If a story comes out wrong, let it be. The feeling behind it matters more than the facts.

Some people with dementia enjoy hearing a favourite poem or book read aloud, one part at a time. James can read real books and poems aloud, and he never tests memory. You can read how he adapts for dementia on our health conditions page. For phrases that help in harder moments, see what to say to someone with dementia.

James is an AI, not a doctor. For medicines and treatment ask your doctor or pharmacist.

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