What to say to someone with dementia (and what not to say)

By James editorial team, Golan Europe S.L. · Published 1 November 2026 · 8 min read

Say less, say it simply, and answer the feeling behind the words. Introduce yourself instead of asking "Do you know who I am?". Talk to them as the adult they are. Do not correct or argue about facts. When they ask to go home or ask for someone who has died, respond to the need, such as safety, comfort or love, rather than the facts.

The idea behind every good phrase

Dementia slowly takes away facts: names, dates, places, what happened this morning^[1]. Many carers find that feelings last longer than facts. Someone may forget your visit soon after, but still seem calmer, or more upset, because of how it went.

The NHS says changes in behaviour may be how a person with dementia shows their feelings. It advises carers to acknowledge what the person says, even when it seems out of context, and to show you have heard them^[1][2].

So before you answer, ask yourself: what are they feeling right now? Lost, bored, scared, lonely, embarrassed? Answer that first. The facts can wait, and sometimes they do not matter at all.

Swap memory tests for easy openings

Many everyday questions are quiet memory tests. "Do you remember who came yesterday?" "What did you have for lunch?" For a person with dementia, each one is a small exam they are likely to fail.

A study of couples where one spouse had Alzheimer's disease found that conversations broke down more often when questions depended on memory of recent events. Questions about general knowledge and yes-or-no questions worked better^[3].

Here are some swaps you can use:

• Not: "Do you know who I am?" Say: "Hi Mum, it's Anna, your daughter."
• Not: "Do you remember our trip to Cornwall?" Say: "I was thinking about Cornwall. You loved those cliff walks."
• Not: "What did you do today?" Say: "Did you have a nice lunch?"
• Not: "Who's that in the photo?" Say: "That's Uncle Pete at the wedding. He looks so smart."
• Not: "You remember, I told you last week." Say: "Let me tell you the news."

Giving the answer inside your sentence lets them join in without the risk of failing.

Talk to an adult, not to a child

It is easy to slip into "elderspeak": a sing-song voice, pet names like "sweetie" or "good girl", and "we" instead of "you". It sounds kind, but it can feel belittling.

In a study filmed in care homes, residents with dementia were about twice as likely to resist care after staff used elderspeak as after normal adult talk^[4]. The NHS also warns carers not to patronise or make fun of what the person says^[1].

• Not: "Come on, sweetie, let's get our coat on!" Say: "It's cold out, Joan. Shall we put your coat on?"
• Not: "Aren't you a clever boy!" Say: "Thank you, Dad, that's a big help."
• Not: talking about them while they sit there. Say: include them. "Mum, the nurse is asking about your sleep."

Use their name, look at them, and let them speak for themselves when you can, even about their own health.

Short sentences and simple choices

Long sentences with many parts are hard to follow. A study of family carers found that using simple sentences helped communication. Speaking slowly, on its own, did not seem to help^[5]. So keep your normal pace, but use fewer words.

The NHS suggests giving simple choices and avoiding complicated options^[1].

• Not: "What would you like to wear today, and do you want breakfast before or after your wash?" Say: "Blue jumper or the green one?" Then, later: "Breakfast now?"
• Not: "We're going to Sarah's, but first we need to stop at the shop, and then..." Say: "We're going to see Sarah." Add the rest when you get there.

Then wait. Give them time to answer. Rushing makes it harder to find the words.

Don't correct, argue or say "I've told you"

If your mother says it is 1975, or that her father is picking her up, you may feel you must set the record straight. Usually, correcting brings upset rather than understanding. She cannot keep the new fact, but she will feel the sting of being wrong.

• Not: "No, that's wrong. It was Tuesday, not Monday." Say: nothing about the day. Move on to what matters.
• Not: "I've already told you three times!" Say: the answer again, calmly, as if for the first time.
• Not: "You can't drive any more, remember?" Say: "I'll drive today. You can be my navigator."

If the same question keeps coming back, our guide on dementia and repeating questions goes into that in detail.

When they say "I want to go home"

This is one of the hardest phrases to hear, especially when they are already at home. "Home" often means a feeling: safety, being in charge, a time when life made sense. If it tends to come in the late afternoon or evening, our guide to sundowning in dementia explains that pattern.

The NHS advises reassuring the person that they are safe and secure when they ask to go home^[2].

• Not: "You ARE home. This is your house!" Say: "You want to go home. Tell me about home."
• Not: "We can't go anywhere now." Say: "You're safe here with me. Let's have a cup of tea first."
• Not: ignoring it. Say: "Are you feeling a bit lost? I'm staying right here."

Talking about the home they mean, the garden, the street, the kitchen, often calms them more than any logic.

When they ask for someone who has died

"Where's Frank? He should be back by now." If Frank died ten years ago, telling them can feel like breaking terrible news for the first time, again and again.

The NHS advises against telling them someone died years ago. Instead, talk about that period of their life^[2].

• Not: "Frank died in 2015, Mum." Say: "You're thinking about Frank. Tell me how you met."
• Not: "Don't be silly, he's gone." Say: "You miss him. He was a good man."

Sometimes a person asks very directly: "Is Frank dead?" Then a gentle, true answer is usually kinder than a lie they may sense. "Yes, Mum, Frank died a while ago. You loved him very much." Stay close afterwards. Comfort matters more than the details.

Honest without hurting: what about white lies?

Families often worry about this. Is it wrong to say "Frank's at work" just to stop the distress?

Professionals disagree. Studies describe several kinds of untruth used in dementia care: going along with a person's view, holding back the truth, and small white lies. In one study, staff who attended a workshop became more accepting of lies, but only in specific situations where a lie was clearly in the person's best interest^[6].

A middle path works for many families:

1. Answer the feeling first. "You miss him."
2. Steer gently to a topic they enjoy. "Shall we look at the wedding photos?"
3. If you need to, give a partial truth. "He's not here right now."
4. Avoid big invented stories that you then have to keep up.

You may hear of "validation therapy", a method built on accepting the person's own reality. A Cochrane review found there was not enough evidence to say whether it works as a therapy^[7]. Still, its core idea, respecting feelings, matches what the NHS advises.

When words run out

As dementia goes on, speech may fade, but contact does not have to. The NHS notes that gestures, facial expressions and touch become more important. Holding a hand can reassure, if the person seems comfortable with it^[1].

• Sit at their level, smile, and keep your voice warm.
• Turn off the TV or radio so they can focus on you.
• Sing a song they know, or look at photos together.
• When you leave, keep it short and warm. "I loved seeing you. Bye for now."

Good communication can be learned. A review found that training in communication skills improved the wellbeing of people with dementia and helped both family and professional carers^[8]. Ask your memory service or local dementia charity about courses.

James also adapts for dementia when the family tells him about the diagnosis. He uses short sentences, asks one question at a time, and never tests memory or argues. You can read how James supports people with dementia.

James is an AI, not a doctor. For medicines and treatment ask your doctor or pharmacist.

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